As a parent, there are those rare, yet seemingly endless nights when you're given the precious gift of deep sleep. The kind of velvety sleep that leaves you refueled and refreshed...ready to take on the world. And I thought that this was going to be one of those nights...until a shrill little voice cut through the dreamy quiet of our bedroom:
Mom?! Mom! Mommy. Momma. MOOOM! MOOOOOOMMY...!!!I lay still and silent, secretly hoping she'd recognize my deep need for a full eight hours and find her way back to bed.
MOOOOOOMMY!!! MOOOOOOOOOOM!!! MOOOOOOOMMA!!!!
WHAT, baby?! (I muttered as my brain stumbled through the darkness trying desperately to find the "ON" button...)
Mommy...Looooong silence. (And admittedly, I began to delight in the idea that maybe she'd forgotten why she'd gotten up in the first place.) But she dug deep and mustered up the courage as her voice began to quiver:
God. is. not. with. me. There are too many shadows.And there it was. One of the truest confessions I'd ever heard. The rawness of her words snagged my heart and covered me in conviction.
You see, it's been a particularly painful season for us as a family. Our hearts have taken a beating (the grown ups in particular)...we've been blindsided by staggering betrayals and misrepresentations, had our hopes uprooted and our dreams deferred. We've endured disappointment and death and loss...the kind of things that make your head spin and send your heart reeling. The kind of ugly that people just don't bounce back from...and in its wake unfamiliar levels of doubt and unbelief.
But before my inner sensor kicked in, the words rose up out of the depths of my heart, spilled right out of my mouth and into the darkness:
Baby, God is ALWAYS with you. He's BIGGER than the darkness. And He would NEVER leave you alone in the shadows! He will be right there with you, even in the dark.And with that her little heart was satisfied and she turned on her heels and shuffled back to bed...sleeping peacefully through the rest of the night.
But I lay awake, exposed and undone.
I felt an awe enter our bedroom...the humbling wonder that's present when God chooses to speak through "the least of these". The ministry of the Holy Spirit moving to convict, cleanse, and comfort. As I laid there I saw the shadows in my own heart. I felt the immobilizing fear of the dark corners where God seemed to be absent. The weight of my sin hung heavy on me like a ship's anchor...my doubt and unbelief tethering my heart to the ocean floor like rusty chains.
God's not with me. There are too many shadows.And there it was. One of the truest confessions I've ever made. The honesty of my own words laid opened my heart and allowed God to infuse it with courage and peace.
Resolving my ongoing issues with the presence of shadows in my life may take some time...but in this small moment God brought about a profound healing in my heart that altered how I saw myself in the middle of them. He exposed the lies that I had chosen to believe: that there are too many shadows, that God is not with me...and that people just don't bounce back from certain kinds of pain.
But He spread out a feast before me in the presence of my enemies. You see, the truth is, I was NOT alone, and God had NOT abandoned me. He is ALWAYS with me...even when the darkness closes in. My heavenly father is bigger than anything the Enemy can throw at me. And He would never, ever, EVER leave me alone in the shadows. He is with me even in the darkest hours of the night. And His healing is available even for the most battered hearts. ESPECIALLY for the most battered ones.
Chances are one day, you too will wake up to find yourself surrounded by overwhelming shadows, and you will feel the fear come creeping in. We each will sojourn through dark nights of the soul. But remember, we were never meant to take up residence there. The darkness is meant to usher us back into the light. Dawn always comes. The shadows will disperse. The sun eventually rises into noonday, and we once again see clearly that God is good, He can be trusted, and He was with us all along.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness.
1 Thessalonians 5:4-5
You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them...everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper;rise from the dead,and Christ will shine on you.”Ephesians 5:7-14
“God has to work in the soul in secret and in darkness because if we fully knew what was happening, and what Mystery, transformation, God and Grace will eventually ask of us, we would either try to take charge or stop the whole process.”
San Juan de la Cruz
